Here’s a really silly book about the uses and misuses of the English language. It’s less of a book written by the author and more a compilation of some of the wildest and funniest mistakes, errors, misappropriations and other uses of the English language.

First chapter is mostly about school and was, for me at least, the funniest part of the book. Maybe it’s the teacher in me, but mistakes made by students are unbelievably funny. Most of them come from works done by students, essays where you can see that the young student try their darndest to use complicated words to appear smart or, in other cases, use a ton of filler words to try and get the minimum words/pages requirement. Some are just simply confused. Let’s look at a few examples so you know what I mean :

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

Heredity means that if your grandfather didn’t have any children, then your father probably wouldn’t have any, and neither would you, probably.

In that same part of the book, we also get a glimpse at parents’ messages to the school, which are not always as precise or clear as they should be. One of them had me in stitches. An absolute gem :

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

Another part of the book concerns newspapers’ – or news websites’ – headlines. In this case, they aren’t exactly mistakes, but rather cases where the words used can mean very different things depending on how you read it. We’ve all seen countless examples of such headlines, especially when it comes to tabloid newspapers (i.e. : New York Post or The Sun). Here are a few :

City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

There are chapters on most parts of life where you could come across someone misusing English, here are a few taken from various classified ads :

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Here are a few taken from politicians’ speeches :

I think that gay marriages are something that should be between a man and a woman. —Arnold Schwarzenegger

Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.

If Lincoln were alive today, he’d be turning over in his grave. —Gerald Ford

There is obviously quite a lot more, but I think you get the idea from the ones I wrote on here. It’s a fun book, barely 150 pages long. Well worth a look at if you want to laugh a little bit and share with your friends.